Heartless diana palmer pdf free
Heartless (Long, Tall Texans, #36) by Diana Palmer
NOTE TO FELLOW READERS: If a book’s heroine straps on a fanny pack, stop reading IMMEDIATELY and throw it out! Or you WILL get Chlamydia and DIE!
Actually, that’s unfair. Chlamydia at least has a cure and I’m pretty sure whatever disease Diana Palmer’s Heartless, is afflicted with does not!
Egads, this book was bad! Just awful! Horrendous! Really, really, really…..well….really BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! And, stupid me just kept on reading! Why? Because I HAD to know JUST how bad it could get! Yeah. Apparently I’m a masochist. Who knew?
Past experiences with old romance novels written by authors that crank them out like puppies at a puppy mill, have taught me that I will most likely be subjecting myself to a cringe worthy read. Every once in a while, however, I do discover a hidden gem. For this reason, I continue to dip my toe into the old-school romance pond. Sadly, Heartless, turned out to be a disgusting cesspool instead of a mountain fresh, spring fed stream.
Alas. Heartless, wasn’t a total waste of time because I definitely learned something from reading this book. For instance, if I were to write a romance novel, here are four things I would NEVER do:
1). Have a heroine wear a fanny pack.
Remember that episode of Sex in the City, when Carrie Bradshaw tells Jack Berger that New York women wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a scrunchie? Well, no hero worth his salt would fall in love with a woman sporting a fanny pack. It’s just not sexy! Neither is the word “fanny” for that matter; so, I’d probably scrub that word from my vocabulary all together!
Which leads me to…
2). Have a hero don a white turtleneck sweater.
Never, in the history of fashion, has a white turtleneck sweater made a man look macho or hot. Unless, of course, said turtleneck caused the man’s body temperature to actually rise. In which case, the reader now has an image of a sweaty, red faced, un-macho, white turtleneck sweater wearing hero stuck in their head and that’s not a visual anyone deserves to be saddled with!
*Shudders in revulsion.* Moving on…
3). Write a romance novel while hungry.
Why? You ask? Because I may become so obsessed with food that I write a scene where my hero (upon being informed that his beloved has been kidnapped by torturing, raping, murdering thugs) does nothing but whine about how hungry he his and how he can’t eat because there’s no one to cook for him, so he asks an FBI agent to make him an omelet. And bacon. And CINNAMON TOAST!
I kid you not, folks. The hero in Heartless, asks the Federal Agent who is there to find his kidnapped step-sister to make him F-ING CINNAMON TOAST! UGH! When I read that, I felt like weeping from the torture I was inflicting on myself. Yet, did I stop? Hells No!
I’m so ashamed of myself.
Last, but not least…
4). Underestimate the intelligence of my readers by creating a thirty-four year old hero who acts like a self-centered four year old.
Yeah, I’m a wee bit insulted by a hero who treats his cattle like precious children and WON’T employ environmentally unfriendly farming methods but WILL stand by and let his bitchy villainess of a fiancee insult and drive away the step-sister he raised and the servants he’s known since birth because his witty-bitty fwee-wings were herwt when his step-sister wouldn’t let him paw her boobs. But maybe it’s just me. I’m funny like that.
Do yourself a big favor and learn from my mistakes, skip Diana Palmer’s Heartless. To be safe, I’m skipping everything ever written by her. Judging from the reviews of Ms. Palmer’s other books, they’re probably just as awful.
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